Thursday, November 8, 2012

Feedback Please?

There are definitely times when it's best to apply the saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

But this is not one of those times.

I'm putting up my query blurb, and I'd very much appreciate if you could give me your thoughts. All I ask is that if you don't have anything nice to say, please explain your feedback. Likewise, if you have positive things to say, don't just leave it at, "Great job." Why? What works for you? What doesn't work?

Pass this post along at your whim and discretion. I feel like the more feedback I can get, the better. Thanks for all your help.

link to original here
Aimee Mortemer was born into a family of assassins so she’s used to being the hunter, not the hunted. But the demon she made a deal with a few years ago is ready to make good on their agreement. Aimee is not. Impatient to escape, she just has one more mark to hit before she can skip country. Warned against the Stromburgh Case, she takes it anyway, unwilling to run when the contractors have threatened her sister’s life.

Underground Warlord Wynn Stromburgh has his own primordial prey: his diabolical and seemingly unstoppable brother. As the urgency to kill his brother increases, Wynn is distracted when he’s alerted to a profile of Aimee in a warrant. Though he doesn’t recognize her face, he knows her eyes, because somehow they belong to his long-dead wife. His confusion is complete when Aimee corners him in an alleyway, pulling out a wicked little blade to accompany her sweet little grin. 

The Underground has rules of its own, though, and Wynn proves harder to deal with than Aimee initially planned. For one, he is already dead. For two, even the thought of his ethereal hand touching her skin makes her glow; literally. And three, his brother’s far-reaching game of death and power has now extended to entangle Aimee as well, along with the people she loves most. 

So much for her plan to run.
QUIET AWAKENING is complete at 83,000 words and is an adult contemporary fantasy. 


  1. Whoa. Where do I pick up my copy?! I must untangle all these knots...

  2. You're looking for feedback about the blurb? You made me want to read the whole book, so that's a good thing. I think you might want to shorten the blurb, though. It seems longish for a blurb. I'm no expert, though, so take that for what it's worth. ;O)

  3. Woah, Deb, I agree with the previous comments - I want to read this book.

    That said, what works for me in the blurb is the pace and the sneak-peak into the mystery of the plot. What doesn't work so well for me is the jumping from Aimee to the demon guy then back in the last line. It feels...disjointed, like I'm not sure how it all ties together. I think you could tighten it up a bit and clarify your pronouns (him/her, etc).

    Best of luck in the world of querying though!

  4. Oh my this gave goosebumps.. quite intriguing! Not my genre, but still managed to make me curious!

  5. At the start of the query

    you want to say

    My box is like x meets y ( give them a marketing hook. Followed by a line that says..

    I am writing to you because you represent (insert author's name) and how you and your story some how connect. Maybe because the author represents a writer who you admire and or rights stories with similar characters...

    Close with something personal - Congrats on your recent sale of.. or anything else you can find..

    And you need to shrink the three grafts to two.

    I took me a few query letters.

  6. "it took me a few... and my book is

    ( i wrote the comment without my glasses on , bad habit) Apologies.

  7. I love the idea and can't wait to read the book.

    As for the blurb I love the first paragraph, it really drags you in and lets you know there is something supernatural about it. The last paragraph is also great, although it could be a little wordy. The middle paragraph however confused me a little and I had to read it a couple of times, not sure I can put my finger on why though.

    I hope that helps I know what I have said isn't the most coherent it could be! Keep at it though, I now REALLY need to read this book!!!

  8. I like it: the blurb made me wish I was opening it up to read the first page. I don't know the rights or wrongs of putting together a query, but the summary intrigues me. I want to keep reading to discover why she made a deal with the demon and who is she to Wynn and why his touch makes her glow....

  9. With what Brenda said, maybe you could try something like-
    'Born into a family of assassins, Aimee Mortimer is a hunter. But, now, with a demon on her tail, she's become the hunted.' Then continue with the rest.
    I think you've done a good job with the synopsis. If you read Query Shark, she suggests you put the part about why you're querying a certain agent at the end, (if you want to include that), the story always comes first.
    Nathan Bransford (agent turned author) suggests between 250-350 words for your query. I think yours is a good length. You've given enough story to draw us in, but left it so that we want more. I LOVE the last line- 'So much for her plan to run.'

  10. I am completely sucked in. Check your email.

  11. I'm overwhelmed by all your support and really great feedback, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Thanks for your positive energy. Thanks for having your own lives, your own worries and frustrations, but then still taking time to help me out in my life with my frustrations and worries.

    I'm overwhelmed, but so, so grateful.


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