Today’s 300 Thursday is a long-overdue response to TangledLou’s question posed here. Though to clarify, where she asks about “Loss,” for some reason I input “Pain.” I don’t know why? Perhaps the answer is in the question.
So for the last week I’ve been ruminating on variations of this thought: “What do I have to write about pain?” Here’s my 249-word reply:
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The bloody wound in my leg was a crater, just below my knee, a large piece of playground gravel the meteor.
“If you’d changed into pants without holes, like I’d told you to, it wouldn’t be as bad.”
I knew she was right. That was a different kind of hurt.
But the real pain didn’t begin until, sitting with my pants rolled up in the empty bathtub, Mother started dribbling a half-water/half-hydrogen peroxide solution into the raw hole. Twice a day, doctor’s orders.
If it’d been a quick thing – “Close your eyes. There. Done.” – that’d be one thing. No, this was a drawn out deal. One cup? Two? How does one measure out the pain of liquid fire, a searing that keeps burning long after the plastic pitcher is empty?
“Open your scriptures,” she told me. “Where were we?” My tiny finger traced the words as I read staccato, hardly able to breathe.
But now my leg is fine. Hair won’t grow where the skin grew over, lumpy and purplish-white. Almost silver in some spots. But it’s fine.
And I’ve since been stuck at a “5” for eight hours, water broken and body leaking. All pain’s relative to that now. Even labor, though, I have a hard time talking about in detail. Too recent.
This other thing that happened nine years ago? The first time I found out about…well, that’s too recent too. The pain too big.
Let’s talk about the crater from my childhood. I can do that.
Uh. Ahem. Apparently I’m still working through a few things. Anyone else out there dealing with grief? Loss of body, mind, loved ones, dreams? Here’s one of the links I’ve recently been checking out for some advice on that. Do you have some good links and/or thoughts on fingering out the knots of loss?
Total pages logged as of today: 183 but visit my Deadline Updates page for more info
Moment of Magic today:
Moment of Magic today:
When I first heard this drifting up from Pandora, I was in a painful place, drawing my diary desperately on the back of a huge bookshelf with black Sharpies. I couldn't find the words to write out what was going on. I tried journaling, but words didn't fit. I couldn't find a canvas big enough. This song helped me feel less desperate, if only for a few minutes, and I love that even now it still makes me breathe a little easier. What songs help you?